Girl, Give Yourself Grace (PT 2)

Women are incredibly kind beings. I do not say this merely because I am a woman, but because I am a woman with women as friends. My friends are some of the kindest people I know. However, I have also observed this phenomena outside of my circle, particularly in how women care for and nurture men, and children. So, women are generally kind beings.

Except when it comes to themselves.

A woman who is incredibly sweet and forgiving and loving and kind, would show all these qualities to the people around her - including strangers, but draw the line when it comes to herself. She holds grace for everyone except herself. When she errs, forgiveness comes last, if at all. When she needs support, she berates herself. When her mood is low, she digs even deeper through negative self-talk. She dishes out her love to others, then doesn't even bother scraping the bottom of the pot for any leftovers she could have, let alone giving herself a good plate.

How did we become this way? Who taught us to give and give and hold nothing for ourselves? Why did we become nurturers who nurture everyone but ourselves?

In the first part of this piece, I explored self-unkindness and how terrible it is for us. Then I introduced self-compassion and its 3 doorways according to Dr. Neff: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. In this part, we will look at practical tips on practicing self-compassion.

The bulk of these tips would be pulled from Dr Neff's book: Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, however a few more would be added from personal experience, studies and stories.

These tips are only as useful as they've been applied. Knowing them but merely storing in your mind's archive does you no good. Learn them. Practice them. Let them become a part of your life.

Practical Tips to Practice Self-compassion

Immediate Practices for Difficult Moments

1. Use a Self-Compassion Mantra: When you notice you're having a hard time or going through difficult emotions, pause and speak positively to yourself. Your words can invoke the three aspects of self-compassion as discussed in part one of this piece. For example: "This is a moment of suffering (mindfulness). Suffering is a part of life (common humanity). May I be kind to myself in this moment, giving myself the compassion I need (self-kindness)". You can come up with a few variations based on the common situations and emotions you experience.
2. Try the Hugging Practice: If you're a physical touch girlie, then you probably already know the joy of a hug. What you may not have known, is that hugging yourself can have the same effect. Physical touch (with humans or animals) releases oxytocin (the love chemical) and can lower cortisol (stress hormone). This means then that when you feel upset or sad, you can give yourself a gentle hug. Wrap your hands around yourself, and stroke your arms tenderly. It may feel weird at first, but it works!
3. Apply "Soften, Soothe, Allow": During intense or difficult moments, sit comfortably or lie down facing upwards, then try to locate where you feel the emotions, physically. Identify where you feel it, is it stuck in your throat? Your head? Stomach? Once you've located it, try to describe what exactly you're feeling. Is it a tingling sensation? Burning? Pressure? Tightness? Numbness? Then send compassion to it. Relax the muscles, unclench the jaw. Treat that area like a sad little child, caressing the spot. Speak softly to it, reassure it, just the way you would to a sad child. This exercise brings you into the present moment so you can give kindness to yourself.

Reframing Your Inner Dialogue

1. Change Your Critical Self-Talk: The first thing to do is to notice when your inner critic is going off on you. Notice the exact word she uses. Are there words or phrases that repeat themselves? Do they sound like someone else in your life? Next, try to soften this voice. Speak softly to this inner critic "I know you want to see me improve but please stop being so critical, you're causing me so much pain." Then reframe the things Inner Critic was saying into something more positive and kind. "You just spent 4hours on socials when you have work to do and now you feel sad. That's okay, what's done's done. You still have some time in the day, how about you work on a task for one hour?" BONUS: Practice saying affirmations daily. This gets you in tune with speaking positively to yourself and makes it easier to spot negative self-talk.
2. Write a Letter to Yourself: If you feel consistently inadequate in a certain area and judge yourself for it, then write a letter to yourself from the POV of someone who loves you deeply and is wise or empathetic. Talk about how these inadequacies or flaws are part of life and possibly beyond your control. Maybe they can be changed with enough effort, but you got to this point by reason of factors outside your control. Acknowledge this and be gracious to yourself as you write.

Mindful Awareness and Reflection

1. Keep a Self-Compassion Journal: As often as you can (say daily, or weekly), review events that caused you pain, suffering or guilt and write about them from the perspective of mindfulness, common humanity and self-kindness. Start by describing what you felt and what the trigger was. Then move on to describing how this is really a part of the human experience, so people go through things like this often. Lastly, write yourself some kind words. Give comfort and forgiveness to yourself, using a gentle and reassuring tone. This builds the habit of reaching for compassion first in difficult times.
2. Practice Noting: Mindfulness may not come easily at first. It is like a muscle that needs to be trained or built. One of the ways you can do this is by sitting in silence for 10-20minutes. You can begin in a comfortable position, keep your eyes closed, and note whatever thoughts, emotions, smells, sensations or sounds that arise. If your thoughts drift too far away, you may need to bring yourself back to the moment without judgement. Slowly, you get familiar with being mindful through your day.

Conclusion

There are several practices to become more self-compassionate; begin with what feels most needed and most comfortable. You are the one person you truly have to spend forever with, please channel compassion towards yourself. Give yourself grace.