The first time I remember it happening was on a cold morning, right after waking up. I had plugged my Macbook in to charge the previous night, and had forgotten to unplug it before going to bed. This was a big deal. One of the lessons my dad made sure to teach me was that the batteries on devices have a lifespan, and the number of times they charge to a 100% determines how soon the battery begins to degrade. 80% was a good charge stop point. 90% if you must. I had let my Macbook charge to a 100% a few times already, and I was working hard to stop this. I was one year into my first Macbook and I wanted it to continue to serve me a long time.
“Can you see yourself? This is why you don’t deserve good things.” I thought to myself as I sat at my desk that morning. Where did that come from? Why would I say such a thing to myself? I found it weird but moved on from it quickly, until the next time arrived.
“Just imagine. You truly don’t deserve good things.” This time I was cleaning my living room and my 3x6 ft mirror that I love dearly, nearly toppled. By the time I asked myself, “What’s wrong with you? Are you slow?” for not stirring the tomatoes I was frying for a stew quickly enough, I knew this was a problem.
None of the mistakes I made were terrible. The Macbook could handle a 100% charge. The mirror did not fall, and the tomatoes merely stuck to the pan and followed my ladle once I stirred. Yet my mind moved me to say very hurtful things to myself regardless, and I knew exactly why. An event had just occurred in my life that felt like I had lost a good thing (babe, in hindsight, I can tell you for a fact, that was NOT a good thing I had lost. I should’ve been testifying in church instead, but hey, I digress) and this led to me subconsciously berating myself and engaging in negative self talk.
The consequence? I made more mistakes, berated myself more, became severely anxious, and generally hated my life.
What is this self inside us, this silent observer, Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us And urge us on to futile activity And in the end, judge us still more severely For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us? —T. S. ELIOT, The Elder Statesman
Self-Unkindness
Self-unkindness is treating oneself harshly or cruelly whether consciously or subconsciously.
For most of us women, this is not a strange experience.
- "I look like a sack of bones,"
- "Why are my boobs so big? I look shapeless,"
- "I'm wasting my life away foolishly,"
- "Why can't I take my life seriously?"
- "How come it's only me bad things happen to?"
- "Why am I so unlovable?"
The list is endless. We say such terrible things to ourselves over and over, even when we don't mean to. Most times, we would not say these things to others, yet we say them to ourselves. We criticise ourselves harshly yet extend kindness to others, thus pouring from an empty cup, causing us to feel empty, separated, alone.
There is a part of us that is convinced self-judgement is relevant for our own growth. We believe that by beating ourselves up, telling ourselves we're lazy and dumb and undesirable, we can bring ourselves to do better, work harder, study more, eat less, etc. But the research says otherwise. All beating yourself up is going to do is increase your feelings of inadequacy and insecurities. You do not get better by treating yourself like trash.
William B.Swann, Jr. introduced a concept he calls the self-verification theory, proposing that "people prefer others to see them as they see themselves, even if their self-views happen to be negative." He states that people gravitate toward partners and settings that seem likely to provide self-confirming evaluations and they do this with relationships too, going as far as evoking self-confirming reactions from their partners.
Most of this is done unconsciously. You see a guy or girl you like and then start forming deep bonds with them because you feel drawn to them. What you don't realise is that you are drawn to this person because they have the capacity to make you feel worthless. They are able to treat you like trash and because you feel like trash internally, you are drawn to them.
What's more, even when they don't treat you like trash, you do things and say things to trigger them into treating you like trash. We don't mean to do this, but we do it anyway, which is why we find ourselves stuck in toxic relationships that we can't let go of.
Self-unkindness has no upsides; not in the moment, and not afterwards. So why do we hold on to it? For many, the answer is simply that we don't know how not to be unkind to ourselves. We do not know how to quieten the voice inside constantly telling us we're not enough.
Hopefully, this is the beginning of the end of self-unkindness for you and I.
Self-Compassion
As you can imagine, to put a stop to self-unkindness, we must develop self-kindness, but self-kindness is only one doorway through which we can get to self-compassion; the ultimate shield against self-unkindness.
Self-compassion means treating yourself with love, care, warmth, and support, particularly when you fall, fail, suffer, or feel inadequate. It means putting aside negative self-talk or harsh-criticism and speaking softly or acting kindly towards yourself. It involves forgiving yourself, giving yourself grace to be human, and loving yourself even when it is hard.
Dr. Kristin Neff is one of the leading researchers in self-compassion. In her view, self-compassion has three parts or doorways:
- Self Kindness
- Common Humanity
- Mindfulness
Here's a quote from her book, Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself:
“First, (self-compassion) requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires mindfulness—that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it. We must achieve and combine these three essential elements in order to be truly self-compassionate.”
I would argue that this list, while incredibly useful, may be on backwards. We begin by being mindful.
Mindfulness
For many, we do not know that we're being unkind to ourselves which makes coming to terms with our emotions a necessary first step towards compassion. We must come to terms with the fact that we are suffering and need to heal. We feel guilt, anger, sadness, inadequacy, insecurity, and much more, leading us to behave unkindly to ourselves. But what if we can pause in the moment, and correct those thoughts?
This was an important step I took to combat self-unkindness a few years ago. Whenever I engaged in negative self-talk, I would catch myself and say, "Oh no, that's not true. I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to yell. You're not slow, you're actually one of the smartest women I know, forgive me?" And slowly, I learned to laugh at my mistakes and reach for positive self-talk in moments like that.
Mindfulness is a practice that keeps us grounded in the present moment. It keeps us focused on what is happening right here, right now, not in the past and not in the future.
One of my favourite grounding techniques is the 5-4-3-2-1 Method. With this method, you pause and name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can hear, and 1 thing you can taste. Another fave is Box Breathing - Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4, release for 4, hold for 4. There are several others that still your mind and bring you back to the present moment.
This is important because it helps you identify what you're feeling in that moment. Once your mind is calm, the emotions are less intense and easier to peel open for investigation. You're able to say, "oh this is what I'm feeling and this is probably why I feel this way."
Then what?
Common Humanity
We're all connected in some way, us humans. We view ourselves through individualistic lenses which is why our suffering appears to be worse than everyone else's.
Everyone is moving abroad but me. Everyone else is employed and progressing in their careers. Everyone has gotten married except me. We believe our suffering is unique, but it usually is not. Failure and suffering are part of the shared human experience. When we come to a place where we understand that there are several others in the world who are going through the same situation as us, we can feel less alone. We can blame ourselves a little less.
The implication of this then is that when you identify what you're feeling and why you feel that way (I feel sad because I have a big tummy that makes me look unattractive), you can then remind yourself that this is a shared, human situation, particularly amongst women. We store more fat around our mid-sections for several reasons that are mostly out of our control.
By reframing your perspective on what you're experiencing, you're better able to shift, control, or redo your reaction. And what should your ideal reaction be?
Self-Kindness
Beyond pausing to reflect on what and why you're feeling the way you are and understanding the universality of the experience, you must also choose to actively comfort yourself. You must soothe yourself, and offer warmth, gentleness and sympathy to yourself.
Self-kindness allows you feel safe within yourself as you go through painful experiences. You're better able to focus on your goals, dreams, aspirations, friendships, and everything else when you're not riddled with self-doubt, guilt, anxiety and depression.
By treating yourself kindly, you build self-confidence and self-worth; key ingredients to thriving. And because the self-verification theory shows that we gravitate toward people that see us the way we see ourselves, it means that we attract better partners. If you do not treat yourself unkindly, you would not stand a partner who does so. You would not be drawn to one. Which means you date better people, befriend better people, work toward your goals, and build emotional well-being. What a way to win at life!
You can now look at the mirror and say, "Mmmmm, I feel sad coz my tummy is big. But that's okay, lots of women have big tummies. I've been watching what I eat and working out so I'm doing what I can, I'm actually such a go getter! Plus my attractiveness doesn't reside in my tummy. I am a whole person and I'm beautiful and attractive even with this tummy!"
It Gets Practical
There are several ways we can practice self-compassion and Part Two of this piece focuses on some of them. But until then, how about we practice an exercise by Dr. Kristin Neff?
“Hugging Practice
One easy way to soothe and comfort yourself when you’re feeling badly is to give yourself a gentle hug. It seems a bit silly at first, but your body doesn’t know that. It just responds to the physical gesture of warmth and care, just as a baby responds to being held in its mother’s arms. Our skin is an incredibly sensitive organ. Research indicates that physical touch releases oxytocin, provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions, and calms cardiovascular stress. So why not try it?
...try giving yourself a warm hug, tenderly stroking your arm or face, or gently rocking your body. What’s important is that you make a clear gesture that conveys feelings of love, care, and tenderness.
...Notice how your body feels after receiving the hug. Does it feel warmer, softer, calmer? It’s amazing how easy it is to tap into the oxytocin system and change your biochemical experience.
Try giving yourself a hug in times of suffering several times a day for a period of at least a week. Hopefully you’ll start to develop the habit of physically comforting yourself when needed, taking full advantage of this surprisingly simple and straightforward way to be kind to ourselves.”
See you in the next one!
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