There is an argument made by men against the use of the word “independent” by women in describing themselves. In this argument, they point out how they, as men, never use such an adjective. Women, in response, have pointed out, albeit a bit too patiently, how Britain doesn’t celebrate an independence day because they were never in dependence. Never in need of a freedom fight.
My argument, is that more women need to become romantically independent. We have done great work in becoming financially independent, but now, it’s time to move on to freedom in other areas too, one of which is romance.
When a woman describes herself as independent, often times, what she really means is financial independence. It means she makes her own money, pays her own bills and relies on herself to keep this going. This is brilliant. It took collective and individual doggedness to get to this point.
Yet there’s too many women who, while being financially independent, remain romantically dependent on men. They work hard, earn enough, take care of themselves and their families, yet rely on men (or a man) to “complete” them. They spend everyday in pursuit of a romantic partner they can finally “settle down with,” and until this is done, there’s a yearning within them that just cannot be quelled.
Neurological exploration of romantic love
This need to find and settle with a partner is, admittedly, a primal one. In order to keep the species going, mammals and avians alike have a “courtship attraction” system that draws them toward each other, usually to reproduce and remain together long enough to complete species-specific parenting duties (Fisher et al. 2005).
Romantic love, according to Helen Fisher and her co-researchers, is an evolved form of this attraction system as they bear similar characteristics.
In this specific research, it was found that the areas of the brain that activate when a person is in love are the right Ventral Tegmental Area (VTA) and the right postero-dorsal body of the Caudate Nucleus.
These two areas are quite connected. Here’s what they do. Stay with me - we’re headed somewhere.
The Ventral Tegmental Area (VTA)
This is one of the main centres for dopamine production in the brain.
- It signals motivation, pleasure, reinforcement, learning from rewards
- It helps drive behaviours like pursuing goals, curiosity, motivation to act, desire for rewarding experiences
- When something good happens, the VTA fires dopamine signals that teach the brain “This action led to a reward, let’s repeat it.”
The Caudate Nucleus
This helps control learning, decision making, habits and goal-oriented actions.
- Helps decide which actions to take to achieve a reward
- Learning and memory
- Helps with cognitive control - planning, strategy, evaluating outcomes, adjusting behaviour when something doesn’t work.
A constant in studies of the brains of people in love, is dopamine production or the activation of dopamine rich areas of the brain. Further studies by Helen Fisher highlight dopamine, oxytocin and lowered serotonin as the key neurotransmitters involved.
What then can we deduce from this?
Love is biologically yours to have and to hold
When you feel “in love” what you’re really feeling is the release of dopamine and oxytocin and the lowering of serotonin.
- The core function of dopamine is to signal that something important or rewarding is happening or might happen, and to motivate you to act. It has been described as the “reward” or “feel good” brain chemical.
- The main role of oxytocin is to create and strengthen social bonds by increasing feelings of trust, safety, closeness, and emotional connection.
- Serotonin works to regulate mood, create emotional balance, and promote overall wellbeing. When it is lowered, it leads to intrusive thoughts, obsessive behaviours, etc
If you’re familiar brain chemicals or even with the online trend of a “dopamine menu” you’d realise that love is not the only thing that triggers the release of dopamine and this is true for the other brain chemicals or neurotransmitters.
Each of these, including oxytocin, the “bonding chemical” can be triggered outside of romantic love.
What this indicates then, is that love is not something another person gives you. Love is NOT transferrable. It is a neurological capacity built inside of you, one that other people can stimulate, but never supply.
In its true form, love is a neuro-emotional state that builds up within a person. Like any emotion, feeling, or neurological activity, it cannot be passed on to another. Love comes pre-installed within you, because what it really is, is an interaction of neuro-chemicals within your brain.
You don’t find love outside of yourself. It has always been, and will always be, inside of you, biologically yours to have and to hold. It can be externally stimulated but never externally supplied. You are love.
The call to romantic independence
So then, if romantic love is an interaction of brain chemicals, it means we can take active steps to engage these chemicals through other means, not as a replacement to romantic love, but as a precursor to it.
Even when romantic love shows up, it is impermanent (Fisher et al. 2005). As a result, we must build lives that allow us live comfortably with ourselves in the absence or presence of love. This is why romantic independence is important.
We must become women who thrive in and out of relationships. We must come into romantic relationships complete, stable, and fully dependent on ourselves for our own emotional regulation.
We tend to seek safety and validation in romantic relationships but when we learn to give these to ourselves, we remove the over reliance on others to fulfil a need that they sometimes fail at. When you keep a promise to yourself, you learn to trust yourself, you learn to feel safe within yourself. When you speak affirmations to yourself, you build your confidence and believe you are that babe without waiting to be told by someone else.
It is worth mentioning that over dependence on a partner (sometimes) overwhelms them and causes strain on the relationship. You do better in a relationship when you can hold your own.
In addition, financial independence has given women the opportunity to leave tumultuous marriages and relationships, knowing they can continue to care for themselves. How much more do we need same for our emotions. Unhealthy attachments keep women in relationships they are better off without because they have no idea who they are or how to live without their partner.
We as women must embrace romantic independence as fiercely as we have embraced financial independence. It doesn’t mean we cannot fall in love or experience romance, it just means we are not dependent on another to give us love. We build that love within ourselves first. We love ourselves first.
In part 2, we explore ways we can build love within ourselves. See you there!
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